Two Men and a Baby
By Shelly

"All right," Amy said as she handed the baby over to Matt. "I'll only be gone for a few hours. Are you sure you'll be all right?"


"Of course I wll," Matt said with a smile as he bounced the baby on his hip.

"I just hate to leave him," Amy said kissing the baby's cheek.

"Honey, Alex and I will be fine," Matt said reassuringly. "Won't we, Alex?" The baby smiled wide and cooed at his mother. "He is my son too, ya know. Go on. Have fun with the girls. I've called Jeff and he's on his way over now."

"You plan to have Jeff help you with the baby," Amy asked raising an eyebrow. Matt nodded with a smile. "All right," she replied with a sigh as she dug her car keys out of her purse. “Be good for Daddy,” she said and kissed the baby’s forehead.

She gave them one last look before she opened the front door and exited the house. Little Alex watched his mother leave the house and looked up at his father. “She’ll be back,” Matt said sweetly.

Alex replied by smiling, but when Amy did not return his smile fell. Soon his face screwed up into an expression of pure agony. Matt watched in horror as his son inhaled deeply and let out an earsplitting scream.

”It’s all right,” Matt cooed as he rocked the baby in his arms. “Mommy will be back in a couple of hours.” He began to walk the baby around, but was unable to quiet him.

”Have no fear! Uncle Jeffy is here,” Jeff exclaimed having let himself in an hour later. He scooped up Alex and began to make funny faces and noises at him.

”Uh..Jeff,” Matt said trying to be heard over the noises that his brother was making and the baby’s crying. “Jeff…I wouldn’t shake him like…that…he just ate and…” No sooner had Matt gotten the words out than Alex let out a loud burp followed by the sound that only one thing can make.

”Ugh,” Jeff exclaimed. “Your kid puked on my new shirt,” Jeff said holding the baby out like he was toxic waste. “Take him.”

He handed Alex back to Matt and ran to the laundry room. Matt followed close behind and watched as Jeff stripped off the shirt, sprayed some stain remover on it and put it in the machine. “I tried to warn you,” Matt said as Alex wiped his face off on his father’s shirt.

”Ack! He got your shirt too,” Jeff exclaimed pointing to the white smear on Matt’s shoulder.

”That’s all right,” Matt said as he patted Alex’s back. “It’s an old shirt.”

”That baby is a menace to fashion,” Jeff grumbled.

”Yes, well, Amy and I didn’t consider that when we had him.”

Jeff sniffed the air and scrunched up his nose. “What is that smell,” he asked.

Matt sniffed the baby and sighed. “Looks like Alex needs a clean diaper,” he said. He was heading up to the nursery when the doorbell rang. “Jeff would you mind changing Alex while I get that?”

”Of course not,” Jeff said. “He’s already ruined my shirt. What else could he damage?”

Matt handed the baby over to Jeff and went to answer the door. Jeff sighed and tried not to breathe too much as he took Alex up the stairs and into the nursery. He found the diapers and wipes and laid the baby down on the changing table.

”All I need is a gas mask and a pair of rubber gloves and I’ll be all set,” Jeff said to the baby with a chuckle. Alex looked up at his uncle and quirked a brow at him. “Let’s see what you did, shall we?”

Jeff managed to get the snaps of the onesy undone and pulled off the tabs of the diaper when he felt a dry heave wrack his body. “What the hell is your Mommy and Daddy feeding you,” Jeff said through gags. Alex just laughed at the funny faces Uncle Jeff kept making.

”Right,” Jeff said. “Now that’s all cleaned away let’s get your fresh diaper on." He had just placed the clean diaper under the baby’s bare bottom when he was hit in the face with a warm stream of urine. “AH!”

Matt heard the scream and came running into the nursery. “What’s going on?!”

”Your son PISSED on me,” Jeff exclaimed.

”I’ll take over from here,” Matt said trying hard not to laugh. “There are fresh towels in the bathroom.”

”AH! He got it on my jeans,” Jeff cried from down the hall.

”Grab a pair of mine and go put yours in to wash while your shirt dries,” Matt called as he finished diapering Alex. “What are you doing little guy? Are your terrorizing Uncle Jeffy?” Alex gave his father a sly look and giggled.

~~~~~~~~

”All right,” Matt said around one in the afternoon. “How about some lunch?”

”I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah I am a bit hungry,” Jeff replied. He was now wearing one of Matt’s old shirts and a pair of his old sweats too. He had given up on trying to keep his own clothes clean while he handled the baby.

”Not you,” Matt said settling Alex in his bouncer. “I meant the baby.”

”Oh,” Jeff replied. “Well, if I feed the baby will you make me something?”

”Fine,” Matt said rummaging around in the cabinets for a jar of baby food. “Here,” he said handing Jeff a baby spoon and a jar of applesauce. “Small spoonfuls, Jeff. He spits it out if you give him too much.”

”We’ll be fine,” Jeff said opening the jar and inhaling the scent. “Urgh! What the hell is in this stuff,” he said.

”Just feed it to the baby,” Matt said shaking his head.

”All right,” Jeff replied. “I just thought that it should smell like apples.” He loaded up the spoon with applesauce and fed it to the baby. “You like that, huh little guy?” Alex made a gurgling sound and spit the applesauce in Jeff’s face. He then proceeded to laugh about it.

”Your baby hates me,” Jeff called as he wiped the applesauce off of his face with the burp rag.

”He doesn’t hate you,” Matt said coming out of the kitchen with a couple of sandwiches and sodas. “I told you not to give him too much at one time.” He handed Jeff a sandwich and soda and placed his on the coffee table while he fed Alex.

”Would you mind holding him while I eat my lunch now,” Matt asked once the applesauce was gone and Jeff had finished his sandwich.

”I don’t know,” Jeff said eying the baby warily. “He’s a loaded weapon again.”

”He should be fine,” Matt said with a huff. “I’d like to eat my sandwich before it sprouts mold.”

”All right,” Jeff replied and took Alex. “Hey you,” Jeff said and began making faces at the baby to make him laugh. “You are a cute little kid,” Jeff said laughing as the baby laughed. He hugged Alex to him and began to pat the baby’s bottom. Soon Jeff could feel the baby’s diaper vibrating and he looked at his brother making a disgusted face.

”What,” Matt asked with his final mouthful of sandwich in his mouth.

”You son is farting up a storm,” Jeff said and then his eyes went wide and he held the baby away from him. “He LICKED me!”

”Get used to it,” Matt said swigging his soda. “He does that a lot.”

”How can you stand it,” Jeff exclaimed handing the baby over.

”Why don’t we see if he wants to watch his Sesame Street video,” Matt said taking Alex back. “Could you put those plates in the sink for me?”

When Jeff joined Matt in the living room he found him singing along with Big Bird as he danced around with Alex. Jeff couldn’t help laughing out loud at his brother. “Man! If the wrestling fans could see you now,” Jeff said laughing. “Those girls probably wouldn’t think you were so hot!”

Matt glared at Jeff a moment before he replied, “In case you haven’t noticed I’m a happily married man. I don’t care what those girls think of me.”

”You wouldn’t be saying that if I had been taping you doing that,” Jeff replied and collapsed into a fit of giggles.

The song changed and Jeff became serious as he listened to Kermit the Frog singing The Rainbow Connection. “This used to be my favorite song,” he exclaimed and began to sway to the music and sing along.

”Now it’d be a shame if a tape of that leaked out onto the internet,” Matt said laughing at his brother. “Come on Alex,” Matt said. “Let’s get a fresh diaper on you and a bottle. Maybe you can take a little nap for Daddy.”

When Matt returned with the bottle and a fresh and clean Alex Jeff was still sitting in front of the television watching the Sesame Street tape. Matt cleared his throat and Jeff muted the television. “I was just waiting to see if Alex wanted to watch it some more,” he said clicking the stop button and turning off the television. “So, what’s next?”

”Well, Alex gets a bottle and then hopefully a nap,” Matt replied.

”I can do that,” Jeff said. “You look beat.”

”Thanks,” Matt said handing Jeff the bottle and a clean burp rag.

”Come over here with Uncle Jeffy and have some bottle,” Jeff said to Alex as he positioned the baby in his arms. “This feels a little too warm for him, Matt.” Without thinking he stuck the bottle in his mouth and sucked on the nipple. “Blurgh! How do you drink this crap,” Jeff asked Alex, who began to cry and reach for the bottle. “All right,” Jeff said popping the bottle into the baby’s mouth. “No wonder your puke smells horrid.”

”Don’t forget to burp him when he gets the bottle down halfway,” Matt said closing his eyes and curling up on the couch.

Jeff shuddered at the thought of burping the baby and kept a careful eye on the bottle as Alex drank. “All right,” Jeff said pulling the bottle out of Alex’s mouth. “Gotta burp.” Jeff put the baby on his shoulder and patted his back a few times before the baby burped loudly. “Good boy,” Jeff said. “That would have put Daddy and Uncle Jeffy to shame.” Alex smiled. “You want more bottle?” Alex reached for the bottle and Jeff positioned him again and gave the bottle back to him.

”Time to burp again,” Jeff said once Alex had finished. He placed the baby on his shoulder and began to pat his back again. Soon he felt his eyelids growing heavy and he realized that Alex had fallen asleep in his arms. With a sigh of relief Jeff carefully laid down with Alex on his chest and fell asleep.

”Guys! I’m home,” Amy called as she entered the house. She made her way into the living room and found Matt, Jeff and Alex all sleeping. “Aw,” Amy said as she gently pulled Alex out of Jeff’s arms.

Matt woke up when he heard his wife’s voice and smiled. “Hey baby,” he said quietly.

”He tired you both out, huh,” she asked motioning to the baby. Matt nodded. “Is Jeff wearing your clothes?”

”Long story,” Matt said.

Jeff began to stir on the couch and moved his hand higher on his chest. He felt around for the baby that had once been there. His eyes popped open when he felt nothing. Sitting up he sighed in relief. “Thank God,” he said. “I thought I dropped the little guy.”

”Nope,” Amy said. “I’m going to put him in his crib.” She kissed Matt on the cheek. “Thanks for helping Matt out, Jeff.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before taking the baby upstairs.

”Not a problem,” Jeff said and patted his chest. “Ugh, baby drool,” he said shaking his head.

Matt just chuckled as he went to get Jeff’s clean clothes. “Thanks for your help, Jeff,” Matt said handing him the bag of clothes.

”Yeah, no problem,” Jeff said taking the bag. “I’m going home to take a long scalding hot shower to burn off the baby germs.” Matt just laughed as he watched his brother leave before going to greet his wife.