Mark couldn’t believe this bullshit. First that whole Prozac thing, then the time that Anderson and the young’uns conned him out of his money, then the whole ‘Rocky Horror’ fiasco. Was it too hard to ask to be left alone and to not get dragged into one humiliating situation after another? Was it that difficult to understand to ‘Leave Him The Fuck Alone’??

‘Apparently not’, he thought bitterly, adjusting his tie. In Vince’s Infinite Wisdom, he’d decided that the single men of the WWE would participate in a strip club for charity. Now, he didn’t mind doing things for charity, but a man had to draw the line somewhere for the sake of his dignity.

‘What dignity? Face it, old man, ya ain’t got no dignity left’, he said to himself. No matter how humiliating and degrading the idea, he knew he had no one to blame but himself for actually agreeing to it. ‘Aww, hell…’

“And now, the act you’ve all been waiting for”, Vince crowed, saving his most loyal Superstar for last, “Get your cameras, camera phones, and video recorders ready…”

“FUCK NO!!!!” Mark roared from the back, making everybody laugh. “ IF I SEE ONE CAMERA SNAPPIN OR VIDEO RECORDER FILMIN’, I’M BREAKIN’ THE OWNER’S NECK!!!’

Vince coughed delicately. “Well, this is a public event for charity…”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!! NOBODY’S TAKIN ANY PICTURES OF ME, YA HEAR ME?!?”

Vince just grinned. “Put your hands together for Mark Calaway, also known as the Undertaker!!” He stood aside as the curtains opened, revealing Mark’s irate countenance, wearing a tux with the sleeves ripped off, revealing his muscular arms.

“There ain’t no music” Mark grumbled, wanting to kill Vince for humiliating him…again.

“Hey, I can help you out with that!!” John Cena, wearing only a black thong, crowed from the crowd.

“Over my dead fuckin’ body”, Mark snarled at him, unmindful of the people that were now watching.

“Oh come on, man, let loose, live a little, have a little fun”, John said, grinning up at him. He began to do a little dance of his own, humming the Universal Cheesy Stripping Music.

“Da na-na na na-na!! Tss tss-tss, tss tss-tss, tss tss-tss!! Da na-na na na-na!! Tss tss-tss, tss tss-tss, tss tss-tss!!”

Mark scowled. “If I gotta participate in this humiliating fuckin’ display, I’m gonna choose my own damned music, and not some cheesy ass bullshit”, he growled. “Besides, this ain’t my idea of fun. I ain’t you, I like my ass to stay COVERED.”

John grinned. “Hey, might as well give the ladies their money’s worth”, he said. He then began to bump and grind his way into the crowd, getting money shoved into his G-String.

Mark grumbled, looking out at the sea of interested female onlookers. ‘Well, it can always git worse”, he thought. ‘It could be televised.’ He looked around, making sure there were no cameras, relieved that he didn’t find any. He then tilted his head, smirking a little. Why not? It wasn’t every day that one did something like this…like he’d thought, it could be a whole lot worse.

He looked over at the ones controlling the music. “Gimme some Ozzy there, guys.” When Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘No More Tears’ blared through the speakers, his hands very slowly went to his tie, pulling at it slowly, undoing the knot, and pulling the tie from around his neck. He sorta swung it for a few minutes before flinging it out into the crowd, where he was treated to a fight between three women who were trying to grab it. Finally, a brass redhead grabbed it, holding it up as if it were a trophy.

“Touch it and fucking die!!” the woman snarled at the Barbie Doll Blonde who was trying to grab it from her.

This almost made him laugh out loud as the woman adjusted her Ariel t-shirt, grinning proudly as she sat in her front row seat.

He then started to slowly unbutton his shirt. With each button that was undone, the women were in a higher state of frenzy.

“Oh god, I don’t think I can take this”, the full figured woman sitting next to ‘Ariel T-Shirt’ whimpered, holding her hands over her eyes and peeking through her fingers. “First it’s the Way of the Voice…then it’s the Way of the Buttons…I’ll never make it to the Way of the Zipper!!”

“Down, sweetie, down”, ‘Ariel T-Shirt’ crooned soothingly. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m almost dead too.”

“And he’s on the market, too”, Full Figure sighed dreamily.

Mark had now discarded his shirt, revealing his bare chest and arms, twirling it over his head and flinging it out into the crowd again. He folded his arms, raising an eyebrow, smirking at the females out in the crowd, who were now almost swooning.

“Am I gittin’ through to any of ya yet?” Mark rumbled, using his huskiest, darkest, and sexiest voice.

About seven women promptly fainted, Ariel T-Shirt included. Apparently, her friend was prepared, because Full Figure was now waving smelling salts under Ariel T-Shirt’s nose.

“Wake up, woman, he’s getting to the good part!!” she groaned.

“I’mupI’mup”, Ariel T-Shirt mumbled, coming to.

Mark tilted his head, and very slowly reached behind his head to pull out the low ponytail his hair was currently in. He shook his hair loose, hating that damned rubber band because it pulled at his hairs sometimes. He smirked a bit as he put his hands on his hips.

“Now, I know that I gotta be gittin through to somebody here”, he rumbled in that same voice. “What do I have ta do ta git yer attention?” He folded his arms again, stroking his chin. “Hmmmm…I see I’m gonna have to do a little more….persuading.” His hands very slowly went to the waistband of his slacks, fingering the button. Since the two were right in front of him, he noticed them more: Ariel T-Shirt was now currently hyperventilating, while Full Figure was fanning her with a towel.

Ariel T-Shirt got under control, and dug into her purse. She took out a wad of cash, having saved for a long long time for this particular event, and took out a $100 bill, holding it ready.

“Now…I think I’m gonna need some…help”, Mark purred. “Ya see, my hands hurt awful bad fer smashin’ into Batista’s face so many times… Does anybody wanna volunteer?” He was looking out at the crowd, who were now falling all over themselves to get to the front.

Both Ariel T-Shirt and Full Figure got to the front first, however. They turned to the crowd, taking Battle Stance.

“If anybody even thinks about it, I’m breakin’ fingers!!!” Full Figure growled menacingly.

Mark smirked down at the two. “You two look just fine”, he said, crooking a finger at Ariel T-Shirt and Full Figure.

The two climbed up on stage eagerly, Full Figure sticking out her tongue at the masses. She then turned to Mark, grinning devilishly.

“Well, Sir, as much as this would fuel my naughty dreams for years to come, I must decline”, Full Figure said, shoving Ariel T-Shirt forward. “You see…today is my friend Jenessa’s birthday. Consider this my birthday gift to her. She gets to Unwrap the Deadman.”

“Well, Darlin”, he said, turning to Ariel T-Shirt, now labeled Jenessa, holding his arms out, spread eagled. “Happy Birthday.”

At first, Jenessa looked like she was going to faint again. “Sel, I’m going to kill you!!” she hissed.

“You love me, don’t lie”, Full Figure, now dubbed Sel said, smiling serenely.

“Well?” Mark purred. “My slacks ain’t gonna unbutton themselves.”

With a purple face and trembling hands, Jenessa very slowly began to unbutton the button to the slacks, and unzipped the zipper.

“Way of the Zipper!!” Sel cheered.

Jenessa helped the big man push the waistband down at least to his mid thighs.

“Thank you, Darlin’, yer a big help”, Mark purred, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“No problem”, Jenessa squeaked.

“All right, c’mon Dead Girl Walking”, Sel said amusedly, allowing a wobbly kneed Jenessa to lean on her and led her to her seat.

Jenessa stuck her tongue out at her, making her laugh.

“Everybody, give a big hand to the little lady”, he purred a bit, clapping for her.

“You lucky wench!!!” one woman yelled, but cheered anyway.

“Now, where were we….ahh yes”, Mark said, slowly shoving his slacks down his long, lean legs, revealing a pair of skintight, and very snug shorts. They were so snug, that everybody was able to see what religion he was. His male ego couldn’t help but swell a bit as many of the females gaped at his sheer size. ‘Eat yer heart out, Cena’, he thought smugly.

At the end of his performance, the women went absolutely WILD. He hopped down among them, and immediately felt money being shoved down his tight shorts. He made his rounds, and went to the back, counting the money that he’d made, and gaped. There were $50, $100, $500, even $1,000 bills there. A grand total of $95,650 dollars was now in his hands.

“So, man, how much did ya make?” Cena asked, coming out wearing a black robe.

“$95,650”, Mark replied, blinking, putting the money in the collection box.

John gaped. “Fuck, I hardly made half that!!” John whispered in awe.

“I guess ya just don’t got it”, Mark said, smirking.

John laughed. “You looked like you had fun out there”, he said. “Would ya think you’d do it more often?”

“No”, Mark grunted, making John laugh louder.

Mark got dressed in his own clothes, thanking god for jeans, and tied his boots, standing to his full height, pulling down his Harley Davidson t-shirt. He came across a flabbergasted Vince, smirking at him as he passed by.

‘Life is good’, Mark thought to himself as he walked out the back door. He grinned and waved at Jenessa and Sel. Sel waved back, while guiding a purple faced Jenessa’s own hand in a wave.

“I can’t believe that you told him that it was my birthday”, Jenessa grumbled as the big man climbed into his limo and drove away.

“I told you that I’d do it”, Sel said, draping an arm over her friend’s shoulder. “It’s not my fault you didn’t believe me.”

“Blah!!” Jenessa huffed.

Sel laughed. “I’m hungry, let’s go get some food.”

The two women, laughing, walked down the street away from the club.